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Photo credit: JC Gellidon from Unsplash Why do we feel sorry when we don't even know what we are sorry for? Is someone making us feel guilty or are we slathering a self-applied layer of guilt just because? How old were we the first time we were ever made to feel guilty? And how old will we be when guilt will be but a distant memory? I have felt guilty for SO many things that were outside of my control over the years. And to what end? Who wins in that scenario? No one. Here are a few examples of unnecessary guilt I have both acquired and shouldered:
Let's dive a little deeper into each of these 4 categories of guilt just in case none of these seem to resonate yet. Guilt by association, proximity, or DNA: I recently read a book about the murders of people of color in America by police. It was a fictional story but one we know so well. After reading the book, I had a very poignant conversation with one of my close friends. As a black woman, she had many thoughts about this problem in America and I listened. As a white woman, I explained to her that knowing these things are happening causes intense feelings of guilt simply because I share the white skin of the guilty. She was surprised that I chose the word "guilt" instead of "shame" or "embarrassment." I also felt feelings of guilt when reading about the Holocaust as I sat in my 4th grade desk carrying a German surname. Were my ancestors part of the Nazi army? I do not know. But as a child, I felt what I would classify as guilt. Now at 47, my friend's comment about guilt versus shame or embarrassment have brought me back to many of my lessons in therapy. Pre-therapy, I assumed guilt and shame were the same or interchangeable, but they really are not. Guilt infers that we have done something wrong, and often for those actions, we can apologize or repair those relationships. Shame infers that WE are something wrong, that something is WRONG with us and for that we seek acceptance and approval. Have I figured out just yet why I feel guilt or shame or embarrassment when white individuals harm or dehumanize or murder persons of color? Is that a normal emotional response as a white woman who considers herself an ally? Is empathy difficult to delineate from culpability with a shared "guilty" race? OR, is the true issue - and one that is really honed in upon in the book - that SILENCE is not the answer? Is my lack of action or voice to these injustices the reason I feel some type of way? I encourage ALL of us to consider this moving forward in our daily lives. Guilt for words or actions from decades ago: Have you ever replayed a conversation or an interaction from DECADES ago? What about from childhood or when you were a hormone-infused, emotionally-immature high schooler or young adult? How many times can we beat ourselves up for something, and for how many YEARS? Guilt for NOT doing what we should have, could have, would have: This has happened to all of us. We should have gone to that funeral service. We could have sent a meal to that family or friend. We would have been there, but we had our own "stuff" going on and we didn't want to burden the person in need. Most of us who are empathetic individuals know this feeling all too well. Time passes. We believe it would be awkward after such time to reach back out. Guilt for causing disappointment: This guilt can be similar to some of the other guilt mentioned above, BUT it can also be very recent and current. Examples: I didn't go to girls' night. I forgot to mail the package my husband asked me to mail. I laughed at something inappropriate and realize later that I could have caused harm. I spoke to someone I love in anger. I do not have a magic wand to help us erase or wave away these unnecessary feelings of guilt. I do, however, know that harboring guilt is futile. Whenever I feel guilt (or shame) now, I stop. I analyze why I am feeling those feelings. If there is an action or inaction I am truly sorry for, I try to make amends and apologize sooner rather than later. I may journal about the feelings or events so that I can grow and learn from the situation. If the triggering event for the guilt is OLD or NOT related to me or NOT something I can remedy, I am learning to let it go. Emotions are like waves in the ocean- they come in, wash over us, and go back out. The ocean will remain. We will remain. And the waves are temporary. Viewing emotions in this manner is life-giving! I would love to hear from you if any of this resonates with you. You can comment below or connect with me on social media. Here's to more days without guilt and shame. Godspeed. I love interacting with my readers. For more of an inside look into my days, you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their works inspired by the prompt word UNNECESSARY. Unnecessary Burdens by Sharla Hallett https://sharlahallett.com/unnecessary-burdens/ Career and Mom Life: The Big, Unnecessary Sacrifice by Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/career-and-mom-life/ Release the Unnecessary Weight and Find Joy As You Run With Jesus by Lisa Crowder https://lisacrowder.substack.com/p/release-unnecessary-weight-and-find-joy
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Change can be scary and is almost always difficult. Change can force us to question both the reasons we stayed and the reasons we left. Learning to begin again has been challenging but life-giving, even more so as I settle into midlife. This list may resonate with some of you, so I thought I would share several scenarios in which I have learned to begin again.
While so many of the circumstances in my list above are quite personal, I know many of you can relate. In fact, just reaching a decision to begin again can feel overwhelming. I will link a resource below of a book that really helped me make some hard decisions in my life. I love this author's work, her podcast, and her platform. Her words have provided both comfort and fuel for my body and soul. She writes from a Christian perspective, so if that is not a fit for you, you may not enjoy her work. Let's take a deeper dive into a few of the life scenarios that forced me to begin again as I share anecdotes and resources that helped me get through the muck of starting over.
These real-life examples are very personal and may not apply to your life. I do hope they give you some insight, however, either for your own life or for someone that you love. Connection is the entire reason I started pouring my heart out over the internet, so please leave a comment below if any of this resonates with you. I see you and you are not alone. I love interacting with my readers. For more of an inside look into my days, you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their works inspired by the prompt word BEGIN: Begin Moving Toward Your Soul’s Lifework by Lisa Crowder https://lisacrowder.substack.com/p/begin-moving-toward-your-souls-lifework The Beginning of Stories from the Supper Table Series by Jessica Haberman http://www.storytellerfarm.com/beginning-of-stories-from-the-supper-table-series How To Begin a New Career by Ashley Olivine https://ashleyolivine.com/how-to-begin-a-new-career/ What do we say when we don't know what to say? We have good intentions of encouraging our loved ones, but we have no idea how to do so. Encouragement can feel obligatory on the sending end and inauthentic on the receiving end. And that FEELS BAD for both parties. We have all been there. Someone dies unexpectedly. Someone receives a terrible diagnosis. A divorce comes out of nowhere. A tragic accident. Our partner says something cruel or doesn't meet our emotional needs. A friend is struggling with infertility or has a miscarriage. Our friend is venting about a difficult situation. Here are some tips for what to say and what not to say:
Do/say this:
Don't do/say this:
Encouragement should feel good for the giver and the recipient. It takes practice on BOTH ends to make it work. At times, we are simply in too much pain to receive any encouragement and that is okay. Other times, we as givers are not in the best mental head space and must take care of ourselves before we can expend energy dolling out encouragement to friends or family members. In those situations, communication is key. Boundaries are vital. And reassurance that your person is important to you is paramount.
I love interacting with my readers. For more of an inside look into my days, you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their works inspired by the prompt word ENCOURAGE: 4 Ways to Encourage Yourself in the Lord by Sharla Hallett https://sharlahallett.com/4-ways-to-encourage-yourself-in-the-lord/ Simple Is Better – Never Underestimate the Power of Encouragement by Dianne Vielhuber https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2023/08/01/simple-is-better-never-underestimate-the-power-of-encouragement/ Encouragement to Bloom by Lisa Crowder https://lisacrowder.substack.com/p/encouragement-to-bloom How Can Parents Encourage Emotional Development? By Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/how-can-parents-encourage-emotional-development/ As of today, I have read 64 books in 2023. That is more than I have read in the past 3 years COMBINED (thanks to my new job and some life changes). While I have given over 20 five-star ratings and reviews, there are 10 books that are still following me around and dancing in my soul. I think about the characters or the story or the emotions they evoked and THAT is why I love to read. These 10 books have all taken up residence in my heart for 2023:
If you want to feel sad or reflective:
I hope these recommendations have come to you at the exact time you needed them. Please comment below if you have read any of these! I also review books regularly on TikTok and would love to connect with you there! Someday life will be more than laundry and dishes and grocery pick-ups and practices. Someday life will be lazy mornings reading and lonely afternoons of reflection. Someday I will be as happy with my body as I was when I was four years old, running, jumping, splashing, smiling, and living life uninhibited. Someday my heart will break again. More than it has ever broken. And it will heal. Slowly and unintentionally. On its own schedule. Resuming a new shape and capacity. Without my direction. No need to brace for it - what does bracing do anyway? Someday I will have little versions of myself climbing onto my lap again. But they will also be the little versions of my original little versions. And I won't know what to do with all the love that trickles down from me, to my boys, to their tiny little replicates full of life and wonder. I will supervise less and sympathize more. I will be less rigid and more engaged. I won't do this on purpose. It will just happen. Someday my identity won't be wrapped in a stethoscope or initials behind my name. My healing touch will never leave, but my paycheck will. I will be sad. I will feel funny. And eventually I will wonder how I ever let such bureaucracy define me. Someday I will look at my partner across the table and wonder how we got through all the muck. I will forget most of the junk and remember the highlights. I will be proud of us and happy for us. And I will sit at the table with the family we built. Someday I will sit on a porch, hopefully on a lake. I will feel a cool breeze and hear the birds and the squirrels. I will think of Mary and Martha, both my grandmothers, and I will explode with nostalgia. The men we loved. The families we created. The mess we endured. I will thank Martha for my fire and Mary for my loyalty. I will dance with both of them in my kitchen, windows up, music on high, supper in the oven, conviction in my heart. Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their work surrounding the prompt "someday": Your Someday Will Come by Lisa Crowder https://lisacrowder.substack.com/p/your-someday-will-come Make Someday Happen by Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/make-someday-happen/ Are You Waiting on Someday? by Sharla Hallett https://sharlahallett.com/are-you-waiting-on-someday/ Simple Is Better – The “Some Day” that Doesn’t Ever Quite Happen by Dianne Vielhuber https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2023/07/01/simple-is-better-the-some-day-that-doesnt-ever-quite-happen/ You're on a roadtrip. You're headed to the beach. You have 10 hours start to finish and it seems like it is taking FOREVER. You stop a few times for bathroom breaks and lunch. The travelers are getting cranky. They JUST WANT TO GET THERE. When will we get there? How much longer? And then you realize. We are over halfway there. At 47 with 2 gnarly autoimmune diseases, I'm probably well over halfway there. I rushed the beginning. I looked so closely towards the end goal that I forgot to enjoy all the scenery I passed. Or did I? So I slow it way down.
As much as I can. I watch each inning of my youngest boy on the mound or at bat or hovering just off third like it's the bottom of the 9th in the World Series. I sit patiently before the curtain rises at every one of my middle boy's performances. I have no where else to be. I am his mom, and I am watching him shine. And I dance at my oldest son's wedding. I laugh. I smile. And I remember what it was like to be twenty years old and in love, the whole universe at my feet. I sip my coffee with my husband on the rare occasion we are enjoying breakfast together. I look out over my back deck at the spring leaves, the blooms of each flower, the squirrels scurrying, and the birds in flight. Slow down, Mr. Squirrel. Not so fast, Mrs. Bird. What's the hurry? You see I just left Mr. Jones or Mrs. Smith and they remind me each day that the end is not always easy. The end can be lonely, painful, or both. The end can be joyous and abundant, but we have no guarantees. So I slow it down. This line between my eyes on my forehead is from my Granddaddy Taylor. He earned his and so did I. I am reminded of him each time I look at it and I remember his favorite line: "aren't you glad you got to see me?" 🥰 If I cover it up, needle it away with miniscule doses of botulism, does that mean life never happened? The tears I cried and the belly laughs I bellowed - weren't those worth these lines on my face? And here we are, old friends. Me and my impatience. Me and my ambition. Me and my PLANS. What a farce. What irony. What next? The sun will rise and the sun will set. I choose to embrace these next decades with a little LESS energy and a little more PRESENCE. I'm showing up this time. I'm all in. I want to love hard and laugh often. Will you join me? On a recent poll with my readers, the results were not surprising:
The poll was not anonymous, and I know many of my readers. Several of the "way too much" respondents are married, have children, have jobs, are surrounded by people all the time, and YET... they feel alone. I can relate. Loneliness is harmful to your health. But how do we fix it? We've never been more "connected" in our lives? Or have we? I have found 10 ways to feel more connected in a digital world. These are not from some article or YouTube video. These are just what has worked for ME. I hope they work for you too:
I love interacting with my readers. For more of an inside look into my days, you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. Please support my other hope*writers by reading their works based on the prompt word LONELY: Is God Lonely for You? By Sharla Hallett https://sharlahallett.com/is-god-lonely-for-you/ Loved vs. Lonely by Lisa Crowder https://lisacrowder.substack.com/p/5c456855-76dc-499f-90cd-6ffef071a3d3 Simple Is Better Lent - When Lonely is OK by Dianne Vielhuber https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2023/03/01/simple-is-better-lent-when-lonely-is-ok/ Open Letter to the Lonely Mom by Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/lonely-mom/ Breaking the Stigma: Understanding and Talking About Loneliness by MelAnn https://lifesouvenirs.net/p/breaking-the-stigma Have you ever put yourself into timeout as an adult? Either your behavior was less than stellar or your attitude needed an adjustment? You were snapping at the kids for no reason, huffy with your spouse, or just spewing frustration with each breath? If you were your parent, you would have probably sent you to your room to cool off. I have learned to do that for myself. I even announce it. "Guys, mommy needs a time out. I will be back in 5 minutes. Please allow me those 5 minutes to myself." I hope this is modeling to my boys that even adults have meltdowns and need a moment. Let's talk about how to take an adult time-out and what to do during your adult time-out. How to take an adult time-out:
What an adult time-out may look like:
I was talking to a close friend the other day about the parenting we received as GenX kids. I was comparing it to the parenting I try to dole out and joked "man, I hope I'm not messing my kids up." We proceeded to have a lengthy conversation in which we semi-concluded that our generation is all in therapy because emotions were not allowed or acknowledged. We had to figure it out on our own while our kids' generation seems to start going to therapy in middle school. All or nothing? Where is the balance? This isn't funny and it isn't lost on me. At some point, I do just want my kids to be kids. On the other hand, I want them to learn how to process their emotions instead of shoving their feelings inside. If anyone knows the answer to this, let me know!!! 😜 In the end, I think we are all doing the best we can with the time, energy, and knowledge we have. Just remember... adults can take a time-out too. I highly encourage it. Godspeed. I love interacting with my readers. If you try taking a time-out, I would love to hear the results! For more of an inside look into my days, you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. Please support my other hope*writers by reading their works using the prompt word PAUSE: Pause in His Presence by Sharla Hallett https://sharlahallett.com/pause-in-his-presence/ Power of the Pause by Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/power-of-the-pause/ Don’t Stress, Pause and Refresh Regina Marcazzo-Skarka https://wordpress.com/post/reginamarcazzoskarka.com/147 When Hitting Pause is What We Need by Dianne Vielhuber https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2023/02/01/letting-your-doing-and-being-collide/ The Pause that Creates by MelAnn https://lifesouvenirs.net/p/the-pause-that-creates I'm listening to Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan's "Mad Honey" and I have already had to pause the audio to record some quotes in the notes section of my phone. I do this with my favorite novels, and this one will stick with me for a while I am sure. Lily states, "It's inconceivable if you think about it. The complex ways people have come up with for being horrible to one another." And she is right. I'm reminded almost weekly as I parent tween children just how mean human beings can be and how easy it is for unkindness to spread. It can be quite contagious, and fighting it can be quite tricky. One of the famous quotes I try to implement into my daily life comes from United States radio host Bernard Meltzer. Bernard's words are: “Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”
I also remind myself that Hurt People Hurt People. Dear Therapist has helped me envision an angry or venomous adult's wounded inner child, but that still doesn't make their words or behavior any easier to swallow. So I go back to what I can control: my thoughts, my environment (somewhat), the people I choose to spend time with, how I treat others, my behavior, my attitude, my choices, and my boundaries. Today's post was just a quick reminder to Be Kind and that Kindness Matters. We never know the difference one smile can make in another person's life. Godspeed. I love planning. Lots and lots of planning. I wish I could say I have time to do all the planning I want to do, but let's be honest, I waste time with Netflix and TikTok instead. That's okay, though. Sometimes that "wasting time" is our mind, body, and spirit recovering from all the daily input and stressors. But every year around this time, I go full-speed PLANNING MODE to prep for a new year. I have found it both helpful and invigorating to plan for a new year with new opportunities. Fresh starts are endless, necessary, and exciting. Please enjoy my top 10 planning hacks:
To further understand what each one of these hacks entails, let's dig a little deeper:
I hope this content gives you ideas and energy towards the art of planning as it affects your life. Some of my best days were planned. Some were not. And that's okay. Listen to your body and follow its lead. Your body knows what plans feel good for you. Godspeed. ☀️ Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their work based on the prompt word PLAN: A New Plan, Again by Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/a-new-plan-again/ A New Year Plan by Regina Marcazzo-Skarka https://reginamarcazzoskarka.com/2023/01/01/january-1-2023-a-new-year-plan/ I love Christmas. I know for some the holidays are hard. Very hard. And as I get older, they are harder for me too. But I still have that child-like wonder and love for the holiday season. And I hope by traveling this list with me, you'll find a little whimsy inside your soul too.
Laundry. Dishes. Kids' practices and rehearsals. Groceries. Oh, and don't forget the HOA. Where is the romance, right? Forget romance, where is the deeper connection? When is the last time he asked me about my dreams or my fears? Umm, when is the last time I asked him about anything other than a scheduling conflict or a honey-do checklist. When is the last time we touched each other out of sheer desire and not some scheduled meeting of 2 busy adults? When is the last time we laughed or cried together? Am I the only one who feels alone more than I ever thought I would as a married person? Truth is, NO. I am not alone in feeling alone! I know this based on the countless conversations I have had with my patients over the years. Marital disconnection literally sends people into their primary care provider's office with symptoms of depression, fatigue, anxiety, and sometimes even physical symptoms (nausea, rapid heart rate, the list goes on). You know how our kids nag us on weekends "mom, mom, mom- watch me do this. Look at this. I want to show you this." Well, the truth is that we want the same thing from our spouse and they want it from us. We just don't know how to express that need. So we pout. We give the silent treatment. We build an invisible wall to avoid rejection. And it is killing us. So How DO We Fix It? One exercise my husband and I use is the FANOS method for couples communication. It only takes a few minutes each day and it has been paramount in improving our daily conversations and overall understanding of each other. The way it works is that one partner goes through their FANOS while the other listens and does not comment. No fixing or feedback. Just active listening. Then it's the other partner's turn. There is a 24 hour rule on comments. Very important to honor the 24 hour rule. The acronym is as follows:
Feelings: use an emotion word and tell your partner how you are feeling. Give a brief synopsis as to why you are feeling that way. Acknowledgements: use this time to thank your partner for something he or she has done or is doing. This can be something you appreciate about them or an actual task. Needs: Let your partner know something you need from them. THIS ONE is the one the other partner often wants to give feedback on or fix, BUT no commentary for 24 hours. Ownership: Use this time to admit your screwups. Take ownership for that snarky comment or huffy attitude. This one has been so good for us! Struggles / sobriety: Let your partner know about something you are working on either for yourself or in the relationship. This is so good for accountability and vulnerability in the relationship. Quick caveat: the Needs section is the stickiest one for us. We have found that we don't want to list the same need over and over and make the other partner feel inadequate, so sometimes we list a need outside of the relationship. That may not be the proper way to FANOS, but it has worked for us and kept some pressure off. I hope this technique gives you a starting point for your relationship to head towards communication and understanding. Feeling seen and heard is imperative for a relationship's success. Not every day is going to be perfect. There WILL be bumps in the road. But having a partner that you trust to show up for you and at least TRY to hold space for you as you process difficult emotions is what matters most. Godspeed. Every year, we have a Cookie Decorating competition and an Ornament Decorating competition. The kids get super competitive and the husband and I simply enjoy all the time together as a family. We post pictures on Facebook and tally votes for the winners. In today's age of go-go-go and scroll-scroll-scroll, we cherish every minute of time together, unplugged, as a family. ❤️ Rise and SHINE. Come rain or come SHINE. He took a SHINE to her. It's her GLOW UP. Bright, light, shimmery, polished. I don't know about you, but I am over all the SHINE. I want real. I want real conversations with real friends in real houses with real food. I want a real marriage with real connection and real love. I'm done with transactional. I want relational. I want physical touch and heart to heart dialogue. I don't want to talk about the weather or local gossip. I want to know what lights you up inside. What keeps you awake at night. I have been backwards and forwards, inside and outside the past few years. I think we all have with what the pandemic did to us. I don't want lip service. I want the truth. I will take that hard conversation over that placation any day. Is this shift in my mindset from midlife or from trauma or from growth? Am I bitter or intentional? Jaded or focused? I want to laugh too! I want to have fun! I want books and game nights and couch cuddles by the fire. I want to stay connected on social media and enrich my world with the vast resources available without feeling like dirt. Is it possible? Can I get on the Gram and laugh at the TikToks while still honoring my self-worth? I'm working on it. And what makes me so special to want all this? Or is this the way it was at one time before the SHINE? Does anyone even know? Even my elderly patients fall victim to hours on Facebook and subsequent feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. SHINE can be reserved for sports medals and awards shows, fancy nights out, and holiday decor. It has its place. It should be special and not everyday. Present over perfect. Real over fabulous. True over attractive. That's where you'll find me. Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their work based on the prompt word SHINE.
It’s your time to shine! By Sharla Hallett www.sharlahallett.com/its-your-time-to-shine/ How To Overcome Adversity & Shine by Ashley Olivine https://ashleyolivine.com/overcome-adversity/ Shining Brightly in a Dark World by Dianne Vielhuber https://simplewordsoffaith.com/wp-admin/shining-brightly-in-a-dark-world/ Make this Advent Shine by Jessica Weaver http://rootedunrooted.com/blog/make-this-advent-shine Note the leaves clinging to the window. Thank God for slower days that allow me to notice and pay attention. Those leaves inspired this post. When I think about all the concepts and ideas I have clung to for my 46 years, I feel muddled inside. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know about that. Some days I see God and the universe working and others I don’t. I’m just being honest here. Hurt people hurt people. I do believe this one. ☝️ But how do I maintain my self-worth and boundaries while being in the presence of those who don’t know how to get out of their own misery? This one is tough and affects most of us on a regular basis. True love. Soulmates. The jury is still out for me. People treat you how you teach them to treat you. I’m 50/50 on this one. I can hold my boundaries and even lower my expectations when needed and some folks will still be jerks. See #2 above. It will all work out. I’m 80/20 on this one. Yes the sun WILL rise tomorrow. Yes the world WILL keep spinning. I have (mostly) grown from all my life experiences, but I’m not sure if it always works out. I see injustice. I see inequality. I am not sure that always works out. Take the high road. I don’t know. Sometimes change needs a low road as a catalyst. Maybe relationships need real moments with raw conversations to truly grow. If we all took the high road at all times, would it even be a high road anymore? The truth will set you free. Usually. Almost always. But as a holder of many secrets (job hazard), I have seen situations where the truth might hold one hostage and cause immeasurable suffering for years to come. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I love this one. In theory. But with my silver tongue and deep emotions have come words I did not really mean in times of hurt or anger. I think this is a great ideal, a lofty goal. But when we mess up, apologize- and sooner rather than later. A quick imperfect apology generally means more than a well-stated overdue one. What about you? What have you clung to? What feels true and what feels forced when you consider the building blocks for your social or moral compass? Better yet, what feels fake? What makes you squirm when you say it out loud to another human? If you squirm, stop saying it. Stop believing it. Our truths can evolve. Our truths don’t have to match those of our parents or our spouse. Our truths are our own. Here’s to both of us building our own houses of morality and ideology. And leaving room for repairs. Godspeed. photo credit: Naassom Azevedo I remember being 20 years old. Planning a wedding. Looking at houses like a 16 year old looks at cars. Aren’t we always looking for, searching for, planning for that next thing? After the wedding and the house came the baby fever a few years later. All the nursery furniture and books of baby names. Once the kids are born we start planning for school. Backpacks and school supplies. We spend the next decade or so driving everyone to everything and wondering when it will be our turn again. Even though these are the very dreams we prayed for and clung to for so long. Next we plan their launch. College visits or military recruiters. Sheets for twin beds and $10 dorm skillets. The excitement builds and then evaporates with one set of taillights or one giant aircraft in the distance. We wait. We wonder. We hear from them now on their terms and we count the weeks between visits. And we realize one Wednesday morning while we sip our coffee and type in the glow of the Christmas tree that now they’re us. Now THEY are 20 years old. We are no longer even a daily thought to them because they are planning that wedding and looking at that house with the very same vigor we did so many years ago. And they know everything just like we did. To that we just smile and think “so that’s why my parents never really said much and just watched it all unfold.” So what do we do now? See we have been to therapy and had all these intense life lessons since we were 20. We know so much. Alas we really know so little. We control so very little (only our own thoughts and actions). We could say now we are planning for grandchildren but we have also stopped all the cookie cutter “this comes next” because we have been on the very train that derailed those best laid plans. So I just revel in the warmth of my coffee mug in my hands. Stare at the lights on my tree. Remember the excitement of buying my very first house. Give thanks for the bumps and bruises I have endured. And look forward to making my Mammaw’s dressing from scratch tonight like she and my mother have done since the 1940’s. Mammaw was 20 years old. Mama was 20 years old. I was 20 years old. Thank you Lord for all the 20-year-olds, the hopes and dreams, the excitement of building a life. May we never forget that feeling. Godspeed. The whir of the wall heater lulls me to sleep. I’m in seventh grade again, at my friend’s house, dreaming of my life as an adult. We just watched Dirty Dancing and inhaled a bag of Doritos with a 2L of Dr Pepper and no one considered the carbohydrates involved. In reality, I am an adult. With children. And two husbands by now. And a whole lot of disappointments and triumphs along the way. I still feel like that awkward seventh grader when, I’m actually the mother of a seventh grader. How did this happen? I’m typing this in a cottage in the woods. A writer’s weekend, that’s what I claimed it to be. And in late 2022, I am stuck trying to decide how much of my life to share on social media and how many posts are “enough” to promote my writing. The internet connection is poor here and it’s a blessing and a curse. When did we become so tied to people we’ve never met and numbers oft generated by bots? Do I measure the importance of my work by likes, shares, and follows or by actual lives impacted? And let’s be honest, we rarely know when we impact a life because the Enneagram and Myers-Briggs tells us that a certain % of folks are introverts and would never tell us if we helped them, to no fault of our own. And the trauma we have all endured. I am not joking. The real actual trauma and pain I have seen my fellow GenXers and patients and friends endure. We all go to therapy and spend countless hours trying to right some of the wrongs between scrolling and TikToking, working our regular jobs, raising tiny to full-sized humans, and trying to eat whole foods. In this world of 2-4 second attention spans, I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel drained. Am I the only one? And so I sit. In Midlife. In the Southeast. In middle school bleachers and while planning a wedding for the oldest. I sit at baseball tournaments and in my car traveling to see my patients. I sit at kitchen tables discussing hospice the same morning I sit with my fifth grader studying vocabulary. I know I’m not alone. The Middle is weird. It’s not the beginning, like I am reminded of with my oldest and his fiancé. The furniture shopping and the bedspread and dishes selections. It’s not the end either. The disbursement of family heirlooms and quiet days sparsely populated by visiting friends or family. It’s not the days of toddler-parent-survival where bath time and nap time ruled the schedule. But it’s not the days where everyone can drive yet either. And oh yeah a pandemic happened. School shootings. A nation so divided I can’t even recognize it. But just keep on going folks. Keep on posting and hashtagging and hustling. Meh. I will take this Middle. I will take the Menopause and the investment planning and the figuring out how to parent adult children. I will take it and try to learn from it and admit that it’s uncomfortable. See, we are too old to fake stuff in this Middle. We have seen too much. I think my writing will continue to be what it is. Real. Raw. With a flimsy filter and a side of sarcasm. It will grow as I do. I hope you join me. If anything in this little diary entry stirred your insides, then know that we are in this together. Let’s go. Awkward but not alone. Have you ever found yourself at an event, dinner, movie, party, etc and thought "why am I here? I had / have no desire to be here."? Have you ever been sweating in the 1 million degree summer heat doing some random and laborious task asking yourself WHY or HOW you signed up for this? Ever felt like you've wasted hours (or even an entire weekend) doing something that did not align with your goals or soul? THAT feeling is most often the result of people-pleasing and failure to set clear boundaries. Boundaries are tricky. They're difficult to set in the beginning but become rote after lots of practice. They require forethought and communication. Licensed counselors are often EXPERTS at explaining and helping you set boundaries, so please find a good local counselor if you identify this as an area of potential growth for yourself. One word of caution, however: once you get GOOD at setting boundaries, you will never look back. Tell your best friends and loved ones to say goodbye to the Doormat You and hello to the Assertive You. 🥰 In addition to the lists below (which are both excellent references), I want to give you my tips and insights around setting boundaries.
July was busy, busy for us, so I only chose 5 favorites this month. Enjoy!
2. Taco Night- always a hit in our house and a quick prep and cleanup 3. Family beach trip- see my beach packing tips here! 4. Best foot forward- an awesome family TV show for tweens or even elementary school age 5. My work bag from Threaded Pear- I get compliments on it daily!
Easy to grab my phone, laptop, stethoscope, notepad out of this open & upright tote. Time Out Time Out I need to shout and push and pull and rip and tear but I can't do that, so I just sit here Time Out Time Out I need a time out I'm on the verge of eruption and I can't let it out because adults aren't allowed to throw tantrums or pout So what do adults do? We medicate or we shop We gossip or we party or we eat or we stop We stop what we are doing, we freeze, we lounge And rarely does anyone look up to notice we are down 😔 Because just like us, the ones that love us are just going through the motions They work, they spouse, they parent, but dare they notion?!? See adults, we aren't allowed to get loud or show passion We must color in the lines We must shape, form, and fashion Our lives and our minds and our hearts and our souls into everything They want from us into everything we were Sold Someone somewhere sold us a dream and we bought it, full stop That life would be perfect That the elusive shoe would never drop But it drops and it dropped and we watch it hit the floor So I beg of you, dear ones let's permit an Uproar Let us process our disappointment, our envy, and our fears Stop telling me I'm not allowed to be angry or shed tears I'm a woman, yes a woman, and you might hear me roar and I hope that doesn't push you away from my door because the rest of my house is full of love and joy and I'm getting too old to let you tell me to avoid all my truths, all my days that I've walked in these shoes so sit down on my couch, love... and appreciate these hues I'm the most beautiful colors - if you'll open your eyes Love is loud, love is mobile, can you handle my ride? To every other human
that is tired of sitting on their hands, I see you. It's summer. In Georgia. So it's HOT. And one thing I'm learning about these long, hot days is that being inside in the cool AC with a fan whirring in the background and nature showing off outside my window gives me both energy and rest simultaneously. Yes, the kids are out of school. Yes, there are lots of "mom, I'm bored" whines followed almost immediately by "mom, I'm hungry." But there is something about summer that makes us all kids again, isn't there? We stay up later than we should. We eat popcorn for dinner if we want to eat popcorn for dinner. We "don't have any homework" and most of us "don't have practice" and a messy house is expected with kids out of school. Pools call our names and floating counts as exercise. Ice cream outings beckon us to sidewalks in small towns. A live band on a starlit night with a warm breeze gives me enough wattage to survive this Georgia heat and sink into my sheets at night both tired and invigorated. We talk to our neighbors more. The same ones we see all year walking their dogs. But it's summer. And summer gives us permission to interact even in this lonely digital world. Movies are cast on campers and garage doors. Glow sticks compete with fireflies and fireworks happen a few times each summer- all over the world. Smores become dessert and even church seems more fun in the summer. God must be showing off a little more with these summer rules and nature's beauty on display. Books are suddenly important to moms and sometimes even dads. And not books for the kids, books for US. We suddenly want to read... by the pool, at the lake, on the beach. Clothing is thinner and shorter so even laundry is less cruel and mundane. Work is necessary for most of us, but even WORK in the summer is better. Frankly we are all in a better mood. So I ask you to sit for a minute or two and consider all the things you LOVE about summer. There is so much going on in the world this June of 2022, that I chose to focus on any summer, all summers, just summer for my reflection post. Life has been heavy, but I need light. We head to the beach in a few weeks and my children's' excitement is like a drug. They giggle and ramble on about all the things we will do and how fun it will be. And I join in! Because I was 10 years old one time, without a bank account or work deadline or relationship issue to worry about. I was 10 years old. Out of school. Staying up late. And catching fireflies after I rode my bike and jumped in the pool with my friends. Allow yourself to be 10 years old today. The world needs that right now. Godspeed. Friends, Family, and Coworkers can all form extremely close bonds. Statistics show that we spend more hours at work with coworkers than with our own family members. If we are lucky, we find certain individuals that vibe with us. We may share common interests or common talents. We may have a similar sense of humor or taste in music. It's kismet and it's beautiful when that happens. But years pass. Life marches on and with that comes love, loss, and change. Some of us grow and some of us remain stagnant. Some minds open and some minds close. I'm sure you have felt it. You're having lunch with someone from one of those 3 groups (family, friend, or coworker), and you run out of things to say. Your common interests and similar values seem further apart. In the worst cases, this person sitting across from you is your spouse or partner. Perhaps you are the one who is growing or perhaps you are the one stuck in your ways. Invariably, one of you is going to be growing in a different direction than the other person. Just because you grow in different directions doesn't mean you have to grow apart. It can mean that, however, if you are not careful. Having worked in healthcare for decades, I have learned how important it is to meet people where they are. If you love someone, you can meet them where they are without expecting or pushing them to change. My oldest, bestest friend once commented "it takes all kinds." It wasn't a grand statement or momentous event when those words tumbled out of her mouth. I must have said something judgy, and she course-corrected me. How lovely would it be if we embraced each day and each relationship with that same framework? I cannot recall the moment in which she said those words, but I have never forgotten them. IT TAKES ALL KINDS. How boring and monotonous would life be if we were all the same? As polarized as our country has been of late, imagine us all agreeing on everything? Where would the passion lie? What would spark change? What would we learn? So today, as I begin another day of onboarding for my new day job,
I sit with a smile on my face and love in my heart. I have learned the most from those that challenged me. I have grown the most being surrounded by those that questioned me. I have loved the most by offering compassion and empathy to those that may not even like me. The next time you catch yourself thinking "we are just too different. I've changed (or she's / he's changed)." Pause. Take a deep breath. Silently name all the reasons you loved them initially and why you still care for them today. Who are you to say you are too different? What can you learn from them? What can they teach you about yourself? It takes all kinds. Godspeed. 💜💚💜 How are you? Good, how are you? Fine, today was busy. Yeah, me too. Ready for some downtime. Did you go by the drugstore? I did (even though he could have). Did you run the dishwasher? I did (even though she could have). What's going on this weekend? A Saturday-Sunday tournament and I really need to get some of my charts done. (He didn't ask if I wanted to do anything as a couple. I guess he doesn't care). (She is always working- she never even mentioned anything I might want or need). Okay- sounds good. Sound familiar? We both have needs, but we are not making them known. We both have resentment, but we speak like polite coworkers. The conversations are transactional and not RELATIONAL. We are co-parenting and room-mating - but where is the love? Unfortunately, as the years passed and the kids got older, we seemed to have fewer transactional conversations. Homework wasn't AS MUCH of a chore. Snacks were often handled by the kids independently. Routines were established and roles were pretty defined (though unspoken) in the home. In ways, this meant less bickering and smoother mornings and evenings, but were we connected? OR were we just 2 lonely adults passing in the hallway - each longing for a real connection but not knowing where to start? We have both been married before, so we both know the pain of divorce. We vowed to make this marriage work, but was it working? Was it tolerable or was it phenomenal? I have been going to THE BEST counselor on the planet for about 18 months now, and I asked her for a few suggestions. Regardless of each person's love language, she made clear that time and non-sexual touch are both very necessary for meaningful connection. Since I work days and my husband works nights, we don't have a TON of time together - and very rarely is it without children. We both commute so that takes away even more of our precious time. The kids are busy year-round it seems, so where was I supposed to carve out both TIME and TOUCH? I decided that we needed ONE HOUR per day to talk, sit close to each other, and just be together. I named it the POWER HOUR and I told the kids this was Mom and Dad's time together and it should not be interrupted unless there is an emergency. They heard "screen time" and were all for it. I decided kids' screen time is worth the investment in our marriage. I claimed 7-8 pm to be our ONE HOUR per day to sit on the couch together - touching!- to watch TV, chat, whatever. I am not gonna lie, 9 times out of 10 my feet and legs are in his lap and he's using my massage gun on my calves while I scratch his non-massage-gun-holding arm and hand. He likes scratches, I like massages. The point is, though, that we are touching and there is no pressure surrounding the touch. All adults everywhere know what I mean by that. He has to leave for work by 8 pm, so once he leaves I call the kids back into the living room and we finish out our family time before bed. If he's off that night then we may continue past 8 pm. The rules are simple: he needs to be showered and ready for work by 7 not 8 so I can have that hour with him. I need to ignore work and personal messages during that precious hour so that I can give him my undivided attention. Sometimes there is a late practice or rehearsal and our POWER HOUR is skipped or delayed, but it is a daily priority now. We both look forward to that time together, and the kids are still alive. It is so much easier to hash out a BIG issue when you are sitting next to your spouse touching them instead of over the phone or (worse) text. If you are both relaxed and physically touching each other, it is harder to become defensive or to go into attack mode. A quick squeeze of the arm or hand can reassure your partner that you are, in fact, on the same team. Close eye contact can remind your spouse that you love them and that you each have the same end goals. You may read this and be thanking the heavens that you've never felt disconnected from your spouse. Having worked with married patients for years, I would venture to guess you'd be in the minority. I know most of us have felt like our marriages have become mundane or on auto-pilot at various times. It doesn't necessarily take a marriage retreat or some crazy new "trick" to get your marriage back on track. For us, it just took a shared couch, one hour per day, and our hands. It took putting the phone down. It took managing our time to preserve that one hour per day. It took biting our tongues when we wanted to be snappy and waiting until we were together to have that hard conversation.
My life isn't perfect nor is my marriage. My house isn't perfect. My kids are not perfect. I am far from perfect. But, I am trying. He is trying. We are trying. Effort is attractive and kindness matters. Godspeed. If you are a mother, you know the feeling. You're at work instead of field day. You're at one child's band performance while the other child has an academic bowl meet. You missed that baseball practice out of sheer exhaustion and that's the one where he hit it over the fence. "Mom, can you pick me up car rider? Can you check me out early like all my friends? When are you going to be off work again? Mom, why are you on your laptop so much? Mom, are you listening?" Some of those innocent but real questions can cut me like a knife, leaving me gutted and riddled with GUILT. Mom Guilt. It's a thing. And I think we should talk about it. AND we certainly do not help ourselves as a gender or a community. Not only do our KIDS make us feel guilty, our fellow moms can inadvertently or purposefully trigger shame and guilt at any given moment. Pam made homemade Christmas cookies for the entire class while we can barely pack lunches each day. Trisha made Halloween goodie bags with a punny handmade tag using her Cricut. Allison sewed personalized pencil pouches for the entire third grade while we are struggling to sign each kid's agenda every night. Then there's social media. Be sure to only buy non-GMO Organic foods. Is your car seat in the top 3 for safety? How often is your child brushing their teeth? Gluten is the devil. ADHD is real - oh wait, no it's not - you're just a lazy parent. Discipline your kids. Don't discipline them, let them find their own way. All babies should cry it out. Babies who cry it out have attachment issues and end up in therapy before age 30. Limit that screen time. Make sure they play outside, but you must watch them outside AND still get all your paid-work done and maintain a spotless house with home-cooked meals. Cloth diapers. Breastfeeding. Well, if you work then store-bought baby food might be okay- but only if you work now. And don't forget to recycle. Make it stop. When my boys were 2, 4, and 12, I walked into my CEO's office and said "I quit. Other women are raising my children and I quit." I didn't have another job lined up. Fortunately, I had some savings, but that was mainly because I was working SO HARD and barely had my head above water that I never had time to shop or vacation (ie spend money). I was justifying myself to a man (my CEO) whose wife did not work and I "knew" he was coming home to beautifully home-cooked meals, a clean house, freshly washed and ironed clothes, and a wife who probably still had energy for sex instead of one who was collapsing into bed every night. OR SO I THOUGHT. He kindly and calmly asked me to take a deep breath, sit down, and reconsider. What about part time or PRN (the medical term for as needed)? Did I want to lose my 6-7 years of tenure with the company? Did I always want to stay home or did I just need a break? Did I still enjoy being a nurse practitioner? The truth was, I did not know the answers to his questions. I had ZERO plans, which goes against my basic core (search "plan" on this blog and you'll quickly see I plan everything). I had not asked myself if I enjoyed my work because I barely knew what day it was. I felt pulled in every direction by every person in my life and I was dreaming of ways to "get off the treadmill." My husband's lawn business was booming, and I was quickly running out of bandwidth to help him with that as well as my other demands at home and work. I felt like I was choking, but I wasn't sure WHAT was choking me the most. I just knew in my SOUL that I had to make a change. I prayed about it. I took a few days to write it all out - not my feelings - I had not found a therapist yet. 👀 Who had time for therapy? BUT, I did somehow remember some of my high school and college skills for decision making and scribbled down ALL the reasons that quitting my job would make me happier overnight. In the end, I heeded my younger-than-me CEO's advice and worked PRN the first year and part-time the second year before returning full-time when my youngest started pre-K. Since I am not independently wealthy, I did eventually have to bring home some more bacon. So, then what happened? Was my life immediately better once I was home more? Did the MOM GUILT end over night? Was I making beautifully home-cooked meals, providing freshly washed and ironed clothes, maintaining a perfectly clean house, and bursting with energy for sex every night since I no longer "worked" every day? Turns out, the joke was on me. Not really a joke though my friends. It's the truth. My 4 year old was in Pre-K, but my 2 year old was suddenly out of daycare. My 12 year old was in honors classes in middle school and I found myself juggling potty training, phonics, and puberty. 3 P's that should never go together. 😜 I was waking almost as early as I had been when I commuted to my demanding NP job. I was feeding kids, washing clothes, and picking up toys all day it seemed. I was helping with homework instead of paying my babysitter to do that. I was making brownies for the PTO instead of money for retirement. I was just as tired, but it was more of a physical tired than a mental exhaustion. I was able to go to the gym regularly, and THAT was amazing. Our gym had childcare, so I would tell the boys if they wanted a "nice mommy and not a mean mommy" then we would be going to the gym, thank you very much. I DID have more downtime. I laughed regularly. For the first time in YEARS. I WAS able to take and pickup my kids from school. I had never before and never since had that luxury. The pure joy of seeing my boys' faces when I picked them up each day was worth the frequent melt-downs when I had to wake the 2 year old to go pick up the 4 year old. (How do we do these things and no one discusses it?) I learned lyrics to Disney movies instead of new treatment guidelines for diabetes. I never took the kids to school in my pajamas, but I suddenly realized why so many women did. I dropped ALL judgment of other mothers, because I was IN THE TRENCHES. I missed adult conversation. I missed feeling important- there - I said it. I lost my temper, and I raised my voice on occasion. Sadly... and this really does make me sad... I simply had not been around my babies enough HOURS of the day to really, really lose my patience with them. Not until I was home. Cutting coupons. Cutting Play-doh with tiny plastic scissors. And realizing that THIS was the real work. THIS was the important work. And so I sit here tonight with tears in my eyes.
One launched and doing well. One in middle school with puberty and insecurity competing for his time. One who still lets me hug him in front of his friends. And I don't know much more than I did 8 years ago when I walked in my boss's office overwhelmed and undone. I'm still in awe of and in love with those 3 beautiful minds and faces that call me Mom. But guilt? Will I wallow in guilt when I reflect over my presence in their lives? Maybe on a bad day. Maybe for a minute or two when I have a "mom fail." BUT I BEG OF YOU. OF ALL OF US. TO MAKE IT STOP. WE ARE WARRIORS IN OUR OWN RIGHT. WE KISS THE BOO-BOOS AND SCARE AWAY THE MONSTERS. WE QUIZ THE SIGHT WORDS AND TIE THE LACES. WE FEED THEM SOMETHING SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, AND WE ENSURE THEY ARE CLOTHED. WE ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN. WE ARE FLAWED BUT PHENOMENAL. WE ARE IMPERFECT BUT IRREPLACEABLE. WE ARE MOTHERS. LET US UNITE AND HOLD SPACE FOR ONE ANOTHER. Godspeed. There is nothing worse than having a fight or flight response. It can last for hours once the adrenaline and cortisol dump into the bloodstream. It is bad enough when you have that response and you know what caused it, but imagine having that response without knowing what caused it. That can feel defeating and depleting. Since I have had too many panic attacks to count over the years, I have started to identify ways and places I feel safe. If I am able to get to one of these places, I can sometimes head off a panic attack or restore a calm mood. I hope you can start to identify your safe places and safe activities. For ME, my top 7 are:
I created a Power Hour with my husband 1-2 years ago. This hour from 7-8 pm is sacred and did not happen until at least 10 years into my marriage. There were lots of reasons we were not connecting regularly, but one of them was some strained family dynamics. I created this time and location so that we could start to connect regularly and so that other family members would respect that time we both needed so desperately. Naming what you need is so important. Deciding what will happen and when it will happen is paramount for consistency and expectations in a relationship. As I have said many times, I am not a licensed therapist.
When I found my AMAZING current therapist, one of the very first things she guided me to ask myself regularly was "do I feel safe?". I barely had time to stretch for 5 minutes a day, so how was I going to remember to ask myself if I feel safe? What in the world was she talking about? I soon realized that the simple, brief, piercing question "do I feel safe?" would become a huge turning point for healing in my life. Do I feel safe in this friendship? Do I feel safe in this marriage? Do I feel safe at work? Do I feel safe with just me, myself, and I? And if I don't feel safe, can I ask those that love me for what I need? Are there some strategies we could implement that would help me to feel safe? Do I need to close spend more time with those people and in those places that help me feel safe? Will that help me navigate the unavoidable situations where I do not feel safe? And most importantly, if I start to feel unsafe (which can sometimes lead to a panic attack), HOW can I get back to safety both mentally and physically? She freed up my LIFE when she explained that I don't have to "fix" whatever is making me feel unsafe. I just have to learn how to regulate my own body and get back to a place of calm and centeredness. Wow. Mic Drop. I don't have to fix it! I can't fix it! This is one of those posts I encourage you to read a few times and perhaps grab a pen and paper. Jot down the places and people who make you feel icky. Write down the people and places that make you feel GOOD. And try to stop focusing on fixing the first list. You can't fix it. Focus on spending more time in and around the second list. And find your seven ways and places to feel safe. Godspeed. |