What do I do when I feel like I don't belong? Ten ways to get back to belonging.

Have you ever been picked last for a team or a project?

Have you ever been sitting at the END of a table and no one really acknowledged your presence during the lively, laugh-out-loud dinner that everyone else seemed to be having?

Have you ever been cut off during a conversation when someone "cooler or prettier or funnier or more magnetic" stepped into the mix?

What if you vote a certain way but you're surrounded by others who vote differently?  You want them to love you for you, but are you having to hide part of yourself in order to belong?

What if you have a different opinion but keep it to yourself in fear of others' reactions?

What if you don't even feel like you belong in your own home?  Isn't home supposed to be your safe space?
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If you haven't read Atlas of the Heart, you don't know what you are missing!

Photo courtesy of Proudtree Empowered Learning
​ (link unavailable).

So, again, I think we have all experienced this feeling.  

Disconnected.
Cast out.
Overlooked.
Unwanted.
Unnecessary.
Unimportant.
Small.
Invisible.
​Rejected.

Source:  Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart
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Since we all know we can't control the thoughts or actions of others, let's focus on what WE can do the next time we feel this way.

Here are 10 ways you can (and I do these myself) try to reach the feeling of BELONGING again:

1. Text or call a friend or loved one and ask them to "tell me something good"
   1. Sometimes I get a response that includes something GOOD about me
   2. Sometimes I get a general response about life in general being GOOD overall
   3. Usually I get a really funny inside joke reply that brings me back to reality
2. Walk outside.  Look at nature and feel the weather hit your skin.
3. If you can't walk outside, use your 5 senses to ground yourself.  
   1. I'm in a coffee shop typing this, so I will give you a real-life example.  This coffee tastes good.  The smell in here is warm and comforting.  I like the feel of the laptop keys under my fingers.  It reminds me of years of piano lessons as I type furiously towards something beautiful.  I hear the coffee beans being ground and the dishes being washed.  I see a beautiful wooden table underneath my laptop.  The grain of the wood is wide and welcoming - I like it.
4. Spend time with someone you love (or at least like).  Make a movie date.  Plan a coffee date.  Schedule it!
5. Spend time with your pet.  Pets solve all first-world problems.  I am convinced.  Having another heartbeat next to your heartbeat is the BEST medicine for a lonely heart.
6. Look through old pictures.  Remember who you ARE.  Not only who you were, like a high school color guard captain or the 8th grade spelling bee champ, but also who you ARE.  Who ARE you right now?  I am a mom to 3 amazing humans.  I am a wife to someone who both challenges me and balances me.  I am a healer, and patients trust me.  I am a closet singer who lets it all out on her karaoke app.  I am cool.  I am funny.  I am smart.  I am enough.
7. Watch a sad movie.  Why on earth would you want to watch a sad movie when you're already feeling icky?  BECAUSE you probably need to cry.  Adults in 2022 are not allowed to cry unless it's during a sad movie it seems.  Evoke the emotion you have been numbing and shoving down into your body and let it out!
8. Scream, box, do push-ups, beat up your mattress.  Research shows that moving emotion OUT of the body through physical movement is effective.  You don't have to mentally reason why you feel left out - just get it OUT of your body!
9. Listen to music.  Music can evoke tears (sometimes quicker than a sappy movie for me).  Music moves us.  Music heals us.  Music is a close second to pets in solving all first-world problems.
10. Journal.  If you can't get the emotions out through crying (movie, music) or moving your body, perhaps you need to write them down.  Write it down and keep it, burn it, or throw it away.  Just GET IT OUT.

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Now let us review.  Somebody somewhere made you feel
left out, unwanted, or overlooked.

You start to list all the reasons you are just that:  unwanted and overlooked.

Then you REMEMBER these tips to get back to belonging
and you pull at least one of them out.
Consider it a secret weapon.  Use it.  

Allow yourself to feel both ways - both the ickiness of unbelonging and
the comfort of true connection once you have found your way back.

Teach someone else you love how to do this the next time
they call you searching for validation.

And hey.  Just so you know, I would pick you.

Godspeed.

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to all the takers, from all the givers

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