How to Set Boundaries

​Have you ever found yourself at an event, dinner, movie, party, etc and thought
"why am I here?  I had / have no desire to be here."?

Have you ever been sweating in the 1 million degree summer heat doing some random and laborious task
asking yourself WHY or HOW you signed up for this?

Ever felt like you've wasted hours (or even an entire weekend) doing something that did not align with
your goals or soul?

THAT feeling is most often the result of people-pleasing and failure to set clear boundaries.

​Boundaries are tricky.  They're difficult to set in the beginning but become rote after lots of practice.
They require forethought and communication.
Licensed counselors are often EXPERTS at explaining and helping you set boundaries,
so please find a good local counselor if you identify this as an area of potential growth for yourself.

One word of caution, however:  once you get GOOD at setting boundaries, you will never look back. 
​Tell your best friends and loved ones to say goodbye to the Doormat You and hello to the Assertive You.  🥰

In addition to the lists below (which are both excellent references), I want to give you my tips and insights around setting boundaries.

1. No is a complete sentence.  
2. Setting boundaries gets easier with practice.
3. Your family and friends WILL NOT expect you to ever say no or set other boundaries (if you are still reading this article- that's my guess anyway 😜), so be prepared for some initial awkwardness.
4. Silence is golden (refer back to tip #1).
5. When friends or loved ones come to you for help in near-impossible situations, realize that you will rarely have THE answers for other people so don't auto-volunteer to help.  Just listen.
6. Get used to just being and not always doing.  Busy quenches anxiety for most of us.  How about stillness? 😱
7. Auto-advice-giving blocks intimacy (per Terri Cole, THE Boundary Boss).  Check her out on IG!
8. Think about and journal (if that helps you) your fears surrounding setting boundaries.  What would happen if you stopped?  (stopped giving, stopped doing, stopped taking, stopped pacifying, just STOPPED).
9. You can only control your behavior and your reactions to other peoples' behavior.
10. You were not put here on this earth to make other people comfortable.
11. Ask yourself, are you doing this activity / gesture for YOURSELF or are you doing it to please others?
12. You might need help with boundaries if you find yourself constantly asking others "are you okay?" (or wondering if they are okay).  We are not responsible for other people's emotions.

​

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The above insights and images are
just the tip of the iceberg
​when it comes to setting boundaries.  There are so many good books and resources online.  When I first realized I struggled with codependency and boundaries, I was shocked.  Now it all makes total sense but for this "thought I was Miss Independent"- it was a big wakeup call.  Turns out, paying your own mortgage does not make you independent.  The road to
emotional independence is
my current voyage.

Godspeed.

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