How to stay connected when your partner works an opposite shift

• Tips to stay connected:
• Communicate often
• Leave notes (nice ones)
• Plan date nights & vacations
• Think ahead
• Practice gratitude
• Adjust mindset
• Take turns​​
• Regular check-ins

My husband and I have been on opposite shifts for 5 years.  Has it been fun or easy?  No and no.  Has a tiny part of me enjoyed hogging the remote or eating popcorn for dinner on the rare evening when kids are gone?  Yes for sure!  It does take effort to stay connected when you may go 48 hours without seeing each other, and I have learned a few tricks that have worked for us.

8 tips to stay connected despite working opposite shifts:

1. Communicate often:  Email and text don't emote tone, so be careful with these.  Phone calls are good but hard with different sleeping hours.  Marco Polo (a free video messaging app) has been paramount in improving our communication throughout the day.  He can "Marco" me when he's fresh and energetic and I can "polo" him when I can still form a sentence.  It works.
2. Leave notes (nice ones):  It's tempting for either of us to leave a "honey do" list or "you forgot to send a Gatorade for running club AGAIN" note, but we have learned those notes are not well received (shocker).  Instead, we sometimes slip a note in each other's lunch box or vehicle and those notes are parchment gold.
3. Plan date nights and vacations: We aim for one date night per month and one kid-free vacation per year.  Date nights are sometimes on a Tuesday since his off days rotate, and while I would rather be in my pajamas by 7 pm on a Tuesday... we make it work.  Marriage is worth the effort.
4. Think ahead:  If he is getting home late after a long night at work, I try not to hit him with important news, bad news, or any requests when he hits the door.  I may also have his coffee ready or the front porch plants watered if those are things I know he would love to skip after a long shift.  Likewise, if I've had an insane day at the office, he often knows idle conversation is NOT of interest.  I need a minute.  
5. Practice gratitude:  Thank each other for working such long hours, providing for our family, contributing to said profession, etc.  He works outside during most shifts so I try to routinely thank him for working in the heat, cold, rain, wind, etc.  He thanks me for caring so much about my patients and going above and beyond.  We also try to thank each other for taking Kid A to practice or Kid B to rehearsal or for making the tea or hanging up the clean clothes.  I can't imagine doing it all, 24/7/365 so I better thank him!
6. Adjust mindset:  I am a morning person.  I want music, a podcast, essential oils, coffee, bacon, and a to-do list at 6 am.  I have to remind myself that my husband is just getting home after a LONG night at work and he wants a shower, quiet children, and bed.  I've had to adjust my mindset.  Same goes for him, he's buzzing around at 7 pm ready to conquer his workday.  I'm ready for Ted Lasso and Charlie the dachshund in my lap.  And no, I do not want to laugh at whatever video you just sent me.  He's had to adjust his mindset.  Compromise.  It works.
7. Take turns:  He normally unloads the dishwasher.  I normally order and pickup the groceries.  It feels like we've won the jackpot when our partner does our usual chore, doesn't it?  Challenge yourself to doing one of your partner's regular tasks per week and see what happens.
8. Regular check-ins:  Our kids are now 9, 11, and 19.  When they were 1, 3, and 11 I would say "we need to have a family meeting" or "we need to talk about who's doing what around here."  I usually said this when at my wit's end or before I crawled into a hole.  Truth be told, we didn't have TIME to have a family meeting or divvy out tasks.  We were simply surviving one diaper, one bottle, and one door slam at a time.  Now, however, we actually have a few minutes (yes, it's still bizarre to us) and we take our coffee out to the back deck and ask each other how we feel and if we need to make any adjustments to our routines.  We still aren't used to having that luxury and we sometimes stare at each other like we are in a museum looking at a piece of art we once saw in 6th grade, BUT... it's pretty cool.  You'll either get there, you are there, or you've been there.  Enjoy the ride.

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