​Mom.  Mama.  Pinky.  Jan.  Janice.  Dear.  Sis.  

She will answer to any of these, but I believe "Pinky" is her favorite beckon.  That's what her 3 grandsons call her.
She didn't become a grandmother until she was 58 after believing it may not ever happen for her.

Accounting.  Bookkeeping.  Payroll.  Spreadsheets.  Analysis.
She has done that for work and now as a retired wife and home finance piddler, trying to spread retirement funds in all the right directions.
She didn't finish her bachelor's degree until she was 48. 
That's perseverance and determination.  And sacrifice.  Don't think I didn't see you, Mom.

Cook.  Grocery shopper.  Queen of the kitchen.
Not only did she work, she cooked.  She had homemade meals on the table for us every night (that we were home with all of our extracurriculars).  And we ate together.  At the table.  With the TV off.
You taught me to cook, Mom.  No set lessons.  Just daily presence.  Daily consistency.
I cook because of you, your mother, and your aunts.  It dripped down into me, and I thank you.

Culture.  Music.  Theatre.  Movies.  Travel.  Books.
I credit both Mom and Dad for this, but I think mom's love for the arts fueled my own.  
Mom wasn't a musician or an artist.  She didn't write for fun like I do today. 
Children weren't always encouraged to pursue creativity in the 1950's and 1960's, so she made sure that we could do so. 
She is now sprinkling this love into my firstborn, and he knows it.  They are magnets for one another, and I love to see their attraction.  Thank you, Mom.  Everybody deserves at least one magnet.

Physical touch.  Back scratches.  Hands held.  Hugs.  Cuddles.  Loving tenderness.
I am a nurse because of you.  I am realizing this more and more every day as I straddle launching children and aging parents.
I learned to touch and care from you.  One of my boys recently asked me "how did you know how to do that mom?" when he saw me soothing a baby and keeping her entertained.  I learned it from you.  I watched you and I received love from you.
Thank you for giving me softness.  I'm hard and sharp in so many ways.  I need that cushion you have given me.

Peace.  Restraint.  Calm.
I've seen you mad, but only when necessary.  Mostly I see restraint and thought.  Intentional words and actions.  Maturity.
The tornado inside of me is calmed by your grounding, and for that I am forever grateful.
I got my feistiness from your mother, and I see your sensibility in my youngest.  Thank you for giving me a mirror of you in him.  He will always remind me of you in his tenderness.

Your childhood was very different from mine.  But God knew I would need someone to talk to about families that may look different.  My adulthood has been very different from yours.  But God knew you might be able to heal some from witnessing adults making decisions that are really hard and living through plans that don't always work out.  

That's what I want to believe, Mom. 
That we have taught each other.  
Helped each other grow.

You're my best friend, Mom.
And I see you.  I don't believe in perfect.  I see YOU.
And you see ME.  All the cracks.  
And we still choose each other.
Thank you for loving me through all of it.  We are not done yet.  And I can't wait for the rest.

​

Laundry.  Dishes.  Kids' practices and rehearsals.  Groceries.  Oh, and don't forget the HOA.
Where is the romance, right?
Forget romance, where is the deeper connection?
When is the last time he asked me about my dreams or my fears?
Umm, when is the last time I asked him about anything other than a scheduling
conflict or a honey-do checklist.  
When is the last time we touched each other out of sheer desire and not some 
scheduled meeting of 2 busy adults?
When is the last time we laughed or cried together?
Am I the only one who feels alone more than I ever thought I would as a married person?

Truth is, NO.  I am not alone in feeling alone!
I know this based on the countless conversations I have had
with my patients over the years.  Marital disconnection literally sends people into 
their primary care provider's office with symptoms of depression, fatigue, anxiety, and 
sometimes even physical symptoms (nausea, rapid heart rate, the list goes on).

You know how our kids nag us on weekends "mom, mom, mom- watch me do this. 
​Look at this.  I want to show you this."
Well, the truth is that we want the same thing from our spouse and they want it from us.
We just don't know how to express that need.  
So we pout.  We give the silent treatment.  We build an invisible wall to avoid rejection.
And it is killing us.

So How 
DO
We
Fix
​It?

Please support my fellow hope*writers by reading their work based on the prompt word SHINE.

It’s your time to shine! By Sharla Hallett
www.sharlahallett.com/its-your-time-to-shine/
 
How To Overcome Adversity & Shine by Ashley Olivine
https://ashleyolivine.com/overcome-adversity/


Shining Brightly in a Dark World by Dianne Vielhuber
https://simplewordsoffaith.com/wp-admin/shining-brightly-in-a-dark-world/
 
Make this Advent Shine by Jessica Weaver
http://rootedunrooted.com/blog/make-this-advent-shine

​

photo credit:  Naassom Azevedo

 
The whir of the wall heater lulls me to sleep. 
I’m in seventh grade again, at my friend’s house, dreaming of my life as an adult.  We just watched Dirty Dancing and inhaled a bag of Doritos with a 2L of Dr Pepper and no one considered the carbohydrates involved.
 
In reality, I am an adult.  With children.  And two husbands by now.
And a whole lot of disappointments and triumphs along the way.
 
I still feel like that awkward seventh grader when, I’m actually the mother of a seventh grader.
How did this happen?
 
I’m typing this in a cottage in the woods.
A writer’s weekend, that’s what I claimed it to be.
 
And in late 2022, I am stuck trying to decide how much of my life to share on social media and how many posts are “enough” to promote my writing. 
 
The internet connection is poor here and it’s a blessing and a curse.
 
When did we become so tied to people we’ve never met and numbers oft generated by bots?
 
Do I measure the importance of my work by likes, shares, and follows or by actual lives impacted? 
 
And let’s be honest, we rarely know when we impact a life because the Enneagram and Myers-Briggs tells us that a certain % of folks are introverts and would never tell us if we helped them, to no fault of our own.
 
And the trauma we have all endured.  I am not joking.  The real actual trauma and pain I have seen my fellow GenXers and patients and friends endure.  We all go to therapy and spend countless hours trying to right some of the wrongs between scrolling and TikToking, working our regular jobs, raising tiny to full-sized humans, and trying to eat whole foods.
 
In this world of 2-4 second attention spans, I feel lost. 
I feel lonely.
I feel drained.
 
Am I the only one?
 
And so I sit.  In Midlife.  In the Southeast.  In middle school bleachers and while planning a wedding for the oldest.  I sit at baseball tournaments and in my car traveling to see my patients.  I sit at kitchen tables discussing hospice the same morning I sit with my fifth grader studying vocabulary. 
 
I know I’m not alone.  The Middle is weird.  It’s not the beginning, like I am reminded of with my oldest and his fiancé.  The furniture shopping and the bedspread and dishes selections.  It’s not the end either.  The disbursement of family heirlooms and quiet days sparsely populated by visiting friends or family.  It’s not the days of toddler-parent-survival where bath time and nap time ruled the schedule.  But it’s not the days where everyone can drive yet either. 
 
And oh yeah a pandemic happened.  School shootings.  A nation so divided I can’t even recognize it.  But just keep on going folks.  Keep on posting and hashtagging and hustling. 
 
Meh.
 
I will take this Middle.  I will take the Menopause and the investment planning and the figuring out how to parent adult children.  I will take it and try to learn from it and admit that it’s uncomfortable.  See, we are too old to fake stuff in this Middle.  We have seen too much.
 
I think my writing will continue to be what it is.  Real.  Raw.  With a flimsy filter and a side of sarcasm.  It will grow as I do.  I hope you join me.  If anything in this little diary entry stirred your insides, then know that we are in this together.  Let’s go.  Awkward but not alone.

​

​I hope these gave you some good gift or snack or entertainment ideas!
Life is short, so have fun!

Godspeed my friends.
​

It is worthwhile to discuss each of these 10 productivity hacks in more detail.  Let's dive in!

• Food prep
  • Even if the ONLY thing you prep is your child's lunch the night before or making the coffee the night before, you WILL notice a difference.  Check out my post on getting my kids out the door to see some of the things I do prep-wise.
• Meal planning
  • I have been planning meals a month at a time for several years now.  I have numerous posts about meal planning so be sure to use the search feature on my blog home page if you want a deeper dive.
  • Meal planning is honestly one of the main reasons I'm still standing today.  Not a joke.  True story.  I have 2 gnarly autoimmune diseases and a blended family in addition to a demanding career.  Meal planning has saved me.
• Automatic savings from my direct deposit
  • I have money going into 5 different accounts every paycheck (after my 401k savings is withdrawn).
    • Christmas Club - see how I pay cash for Christmas here
    • Vacation Fund
    • Regular Checking (where the bills are paid)
    • Regular Savings (for emergencies like tires or big medical copays)
    • Shopping / spending Money
  • Having these decisions made ahead of time for me helps me stay on budget and feel much less stressed.  I don't have to transfer $ (it's done for me - time saver), but I also have some control over the funds after the fact.  If some unexpected expense comes up, I know I have money in several places to pull from and that takes so much stress off my financial plate!
• Doing laundry the same 2-3 days per week
  • I started this trick about 5 years ago when I started listening to the Organize 365 Podcast.  Lisa inspired me to do laundry ONE weekday and ONE weekend day per week.  Prior to that, I was doing a load a day and I felt like laundry was this annoying monkey on my back.  It felt like a never-ending chore, and I never felt "caught up." 
  • For some reason, just changing my mindset to the 2 laundry sessions / week, laundry became much less horrific.  It also got the kids on board to putting clothes away promptly and making sure all dirty clothes were ready for those 2 laundry sessions.
• Habit stacking via my morning routine
  
  • I'm not currently doing an extensive morning routine because I just went through a season of rest.
  • When I was though, I started with prayer time and added planning and meditation.  See the below evening routine examples for more details on habit stacking.
• Habit stacking via my evening routine
  • I started making the coffee the night before over 5 years ago.
  • Soon after that became pretty easy, I added setting up for breakfast.  (I get dishes out, dry goods out, to visually prompt me and motivate me to get breakfast going as soon as I wake up).  My kids are spoiled and get bacon and fresh fruit most every morning.  
  • Once coffee and breakfast prep became easy, I added picking out my own clothes for the next day.
  • Once picking out my own clothes became easy, I added putting my prepped work bag in my vehicle the night before.
  • You get the idea....
• My Kanban Board
  • I have a TikTok and an IG Reel showing my Kanban board if you are interested.
  • The Kanban method is a project management tool that allows for visualization of grouped tasks.  If you are a visual learner, this may really work for you!
• Planning, and especially quarterly and annual planning
  • I have been a planner girl since I was in middle school!  Planning allows me to have that big idea / overview / visionary look at my life as well as the daily, mundane, drilled down version of my life.  Planning is really finding a way to put your dreams into action!  If it's not for you, it's just not for you, and that's okay too!
• Setting timers on my social media apps and using my watch timer throughout the day
  • I use my watch timer EVERY time I start a load of laundry.  45 minutes.  It takes 45 minutes for my washer to run a complete cycle.  My watch goes off and I go switch the laundry.  I re-set the 45 minute timer and go back to whatever I was doing.  When it goes off again, I immediately hang or fold the clothes.  I don't allow myself to think about it, "snooze" my timer, or get sidetracked doing a million other things.  I know when I turn that washer on that I have 45 minutes before I will need to address the laundry - TWICE.  It's crappy and annoying that my washer has me on a timeframe BUT it helps me to avoid ironing and for me... that's worth it!
  • Social media = time suck.  Use the timers if you want to - they've really helped me be more mindful of the time suck.  If you don't care how much time you're comparing yourself to others or laughing at animal videos, you do you.  Whatever works is what I say!
  • As noted in my post about my recent season of rest, sometimes you need a day of couch lounging, Netflix, TikTok, and doing NOTHING!  Allow for those days!  Bask in them.  They are necessary and lovely!
• Using my "review & repeat" method
  • Review & Repeat is a phrase I coined for those infrequent (or occasionally I use this with frequent) tasks that always sneak up on us and can end up being a huge time-suck.
  • Examples are:  packing for a beach or cabin trip, packing for a weekend trip / roadtrip, packing for a flight, prepping my baseball bag(s) for the season, prepping my pool bag(s) for the season, grabbing gear for that rare snow day we have in Georgia.  You get the idea.  Usually in these instances, we need something quickly and we have no idea where all the items we need might be.
  • Other examples are:  an impromptu art day with the kids, a fun holiday activity that we do every year but that ALWAYS sneaks up on us, or a random block of time where we suddenly have a burst of purging and organizing energy.
  • What I do for these random but recurring tasks is what I call "review and repeat"
    • Example:  baseball bag - what did I use every tournament?  those items need to go into my MAIN baseball bag that goes inside every tournament every time
    • What did I use at only certain tournaments?  This could be cold weather gear, hot weather items (cooling towels, fans), or certain tailgating / food prep items.  Sometimes we pack all our food and eat there.  Other times we have a 3-4 hour break and the team will go eat together during that break.  THOSE occasional items can go in other bags.  Maybe I should have a baseball cold weather bag, baseball hot weather bag, and baseball tailgate bag.
    • Similarly, I am the team nurse practitioner.  I keep all the first aid supplies.  Each season, I try to restock my kit to ensure I have what I need.
    • For travel, I keep a "cabin / beach / VRBO" box with all the items we know we will need.  Check out my TikTok to see it in action.
    • The review and repeat method simply means instead of shoving those random items back into a closet or drawer, I actually REVIEW whether or not I used the items, if I need to restock or purchase something for the next time I use it, and if it needs to be in a different container, location, etc.  This method has been a game changer!

​

In addition to the lists below (which are both excellent references), I want to give you my tips and insights around setting boundaries.

1. No is a complete sentence.  
2. Setting boundaries gets easier with practice.
3. Your family and friends WILL NOT expect you to ever say no or set other boundaries (if you are still reading this article- that's my guess anyway 😜), so be prepared for some initial awkwardness.
4. Silence is golden (refer back to tip #1).
5. When friends or loved ones come to you for help in near-impossible situations, realize that you will rarely have THE answers for other people so don't auto-volunteer to help.  Just listen.
6. Get used to just being and not always doing.  Busy quenches anxiety for most of us.  How about stillness? 😱
7. Auto-advice-giving blocks intimacy (per Terri Cole, THE Boundary Boss).  Check her out on IG!
8. Think about and journal (if that helps you) your fears surrounding setting boundaries.  What would happen if you stopped?  (stopped giving, stopped doing, stopped taking, stopped pacifying, just STOPPED).
9. You can only control your behavior and your reactions to other peoples' behavior.
10. You were not put here on this earth to make other people comfortable.
11. Ask yourself, are you doing this activity / gesture for YOURSELF or are you doing it to please others?
12. You might need help with boundaries if you find yourself constantly asking others "are you okay?" (or wondering if they are okay).  We are not responsible for other people's emotions.

​

photo credit:  Anh Nguyen

There are several types or categories of headaches:

• Migraine
• Cluster 
• Classic
• Tension

Each headache category has specific symptoms and classic characteristics.  Please consult your provider for a proper diagnosis. 

If you are not quite ready to seek a medical workup, you can try the following safe therapies at home:

• Drink at least 64 oz of water per day.
• Obtain 7-8 hours of sleep each night.
• Maintain proper ergonomics (posture, sitting position) when using your computer, phone, or watching TV.
• Eat a balanced diet low in processed sugars.
• Monitor and adjust your caffeine intake.
• Use proper lighting throughout your day.  Too much or too little lighting can trigger headaches for some patients.
• Monitor your blood pressure regularly and see a provider if it is consistently over 140/90 (if either number is consistently elevated).
• Evaluate your triggers as mentioned above (keep that headache diary).  Reflect on your current stress level.
• Inquire about family history of headaches or neurological disorders.

Headaches can interrupt our daily lives and become quite cumbersome.  Please do not ignore your headaches.  Listen to your body.
​

What next?

• My very first writer's retreat - in a few short weeks!  I will be surrounded by other writers and creatives, and I cannot wait.
• My very first church choir performance.  Some folks have big dreams.  Some just want to sing in the church choir.
• A holiday season with time off and no work-hanging-over-my-head.
• Continuing my journey to reclaim my health.  Dialing in on my nutrition first and movement second.
• More purging.  As I break free from my cocoon, I am purging every area of my life and my house.  And the resulting freedom is infectious.
• A wedding!  My oldest is getting married and I am learning how to parent an adult child.  As my mama told me, "motherhood is going to be your hardest and most important job" and "it doesn't matter how old they are, you'll always be a mom - that part doesn't stop."  Boy was she right!

​

​"It's okay" I cooed
in the dimly lit room
"You are here and that's what matters" I offered
as I swallowed the doom

"Mom is gone" I announced
if announce is the word
It was a whisper.  But it was final.
I don't think they even heard...

"It's a boy!" the doctor claimed
and he held the baby up like a prize
The mom cried and so did I 
because miracles still dampen my eyes

Between the first day and the last day
of each of our patients' lives
Is a Thursday and a Monday
and days our lives will intertwine

Some days we are helping you
and comforting or mending or teaching
Other days we are sweating and saving
and praying, begging, and reaching

We don't control it, this fine line
between your first day and your last
But we often witness it, we hold space for it
​and we get etched in each others' paths

Do I ignore it?  Forget it?  Pretend I didn't see it...
or feel it or hear it or bow down and plead it?
I don't think so, I just can't so, I let the tears fall when I can
and we get up, lace our shoes up, and act undefeated

It's an honor, a privilege, a duty dear friends
but it's hard and it's long and some days barely end
And no one asks us how we're doing, because we do the healing
But I'm a mama, and a daughter, and a person with feelings.

So at night, in the dark, when the beeps and alarms are gone
Maybe next to our loved ones or maybe quiet and alone
We cry and we replay and we wish and we sorrow
As we heal our own boo-boos and do it all again tomorrow


​

 
My daughter has kept her promise to her cousin. She has done several informative interviews regarding sickle cell and continue to spread awareness. Giving blood is such a simple task but it has such a great impact on the quality of life for those that need it. It cannot be manufactured, please donate blood and help save lives.
 

Please check out the work of my fellow hope*writers:

10 Things I Learned While Waiting On God by Sharla Hallett
https://sharlahallett.com/10-things-i-learned-while-waiting-on-god/

The Ten Lepers - A Lesson in Thankfulness by Lisa Granger
https://lisamarcelina.net/the-ten-lepers---a-lesson-in-thankfulness/

Never Travel Without These Ten Things by Jessica Weaver
www.rootedunrooted.com/blog/never-travel-without-these-ten-things

10 Ways to Turn Things Around by Ashley Olivine
https://www.ashleyolivine.com/how-to-turn-things-around/
​
When Emotional or Mental Pain Is a 10 by Dianne Vielhuber
https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2022/09/01/when-emotional-or-mental-pain-is-a-10/

How many events have you attended that you DID NOT want to attend?
How much self-care have you missed out on in your efforts to make OTHERS happy?
How much TIME have you wasted doing things you had no desire to do?

People-pleasing usually originates from old emotional wounds.  Someone somewhere told you or showed you that you weren't good enough AS YOU ARE, so you started "performing" in ways to please those same people that hurt you.  Those habits of pleasing others can bleed over into your romantic relationships, work friendships, family dynamics, and regular friendships.

When we people-please, we ignore our own boundaries.  Until we do THE WORK (counseling usually), we people-pleasers usually don't even know what boundaries in relationships look like or feel like.  

Since I'm a list-maker, let's look at some strategies to STOP pleasing once and for all!

1. Identify the urge.
2. Set Boundaries.
3. Self-Care.
4. Say NO. 
5. No explanation or apology needed.
6. Go to therapy if and when you're ready to identify the reasons you are a people-pleaser.

​

Let's go into each strategy in a little more detail:

1. Identify the urge:  When you start to feel that PUSH to say yes instead of a genuine desire to say yes, PAUSE.  Check in with your body, heart, and mind.  Where is the yes coming from?  If it is a genuine desire to say yes, proceed.  If not, just carryon without volunteering yourself or your time.  
2. Set boundaries:  STOPPING people-pleasing begins with identifying when and why we do it and then starting to set healthy boundaries.  If you need time to yourself in the evenings, make it.  Don't over-schedule yourself.  I am crafting an entire post on setting boundaries, so stay tuned.  🥰
   
3. Self-care:  Treat yourself the way you have been treating all these folks you've been trying to please.  I was listening to Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness today.  She talks about inhaling and exhaling outside of the concept of breathing.  She was at a conference and had a full day of sessions (as the learner) and was scheduled to speak that night.  She had a break between the morning sessions and her talk but there was a networking event during the break.  Brene told her colleague she felt like she should go- it's the right thing to do.  Her colleague gently reminded Brene that all day they had been absorbing and growing.  Absorbing information, people's energy, new surroundings.  Tonight they would exhale by sharing their knowledge, energy, and light with the conference attendees.  The rest between the session would be their INHALE.  As a creative, I identify with this on a visceral level.  I cannot create when I am overstimulated.  I need a buffer, a breather, an inhale before I can share my light.
4. Say no:  Saying no takes LOTS of practice.​  I am learning this myself.  A lifelong people pleaser, it was hard when I started saying no.  It wasn't really hard on whoever received my no, but it was hard on me.  I made up all kinds of stories in my head about their PERCEPTION of my no when in reality, they just asked the next person.  A good reminder when spiraling internally about the consequences of your no is THIS:  The world will keep spinning.  The sun will rise tomorrow.  And whatever needs to happen will happen, no matter how much you say no.
5. No explanation or apology needed:  When you do say no, you don't have to give a reason or apologize for being unavailable.  They may be a little surprised if saying no is new for you, but in reality, they are only trying to meet their own needs.  They do not really care WHY you can't do the thing.  They will ultimately ask someone else or do it themselves.  And you will be a new person.  🥰
6. Go to therapy:  Therapy can help us learn WHY we people-please.  It is often linked to childhood emotional wounds.  Someone somewhere gave us love and attention for our acts of service or punished us when we did not meet their needs.  That is usually why we people-please.  Another reason is a simple fear-based trauma response.  If you plan the neighborhood cookout then it can't possibly go wrong and you can't possibly be disliked because it will all be perfect and everyone will be happy.  "Help is the sunny side of control" - says Anne Lamott.  Turns out, Anne is correct.  When I want to "DO" things for my kids or NP students because it's "easier," that's not 100% true.  I am not helping them become self-sufficient.  Instead I am meeting my own need to have it done correctly.  Once I heard Anne's quote, GUT-CHECK, I started slowing my bossy role.  The control-side of people pleasing can get pretty ugly.  Your neighborhood therapist can help.

1. The power hour I created with my husband

​