google-site-verification=ZTYg11mvIYHNbEU2g5SxL9_QHKENf5J6gzQJmMAjvss
What's in a name? I have been married twice. I dated my first husband six years before we got married, and we were married 7 years. We didn't have any children. I've been married to my current husband for 12 years now and we have raised 3 children together. My step-son was 7 when we got married (19 now and out of the house), and our boys are 9 and 11. What is bizarre is that neither of my husbands have a very close relationship with their fathers. In fact, I have never met either of their fathers. To take that even further, I have never met a SINGLE person on either of their father's side of the family. So... to put that into practical terms, I have had a last name for 19 of my 45 years that really had no "meaning" to me. My first husband was the only "Smith" (not his name, but just using as an example) I knew but then I carried that name. My second husband is the only Cobb I know other than our 3 children. Let that sink in for a moment. This has made for some very awkward life moments:
Since I'm really into family in general, and I love old family names and family history, I bought my parents an Ancestry.com kit for Mother's or Father's Day one year. I also bought one for myself and my husband. I love looking back at all of our relatives and heritage, but building my husband's family tree has been difficult. This has led me into some deep thought (doesn't take much for me to go deep 😜).
In my opinion, a name carries weight. Identity matters. Having always worked in the medical field, my name is something I sign every single day. I prescribe medicine so it appears on prescription bottles and insurance claims and lab and imaging orders. Nurses answer the phone "Amy Cobb's office, how may I help you?" I am listed as a primary care provider for about 2000 people. I don't mention this as if I am anything special. I most certainly am not. But do I feel odd having a last name plastered all over HealthGrades and pill bottles when I have no physical, emotional, or spiritual connection to the name? Yes, I am married to a Cobb. But what makes him a "Cobb?" I can't grin at my husband and say "you laugh just like your daddy." I can't look at my boys and tell them they have the Cobb nose or the Cobb stubborn streak. I can't say "boys, your grandfather would have loved to see you hit that ball, march that field, fix that jet." I don't know any Cobb recipes or Cobb traditions. I don't know if or where they went to church, what music they loved, or how they earned a living. And so again, is this how fatherless children feel? What about the motherless child? Is it the name that carries the weight or the connection itself with a parent, a heritage, a history? For my adopted friends and patients, what does their adopted name mean to them? Is it a name filled with love, hope, and acceptance or is it a daily reminder of what could have been and what may never be? Not knowing anyone else with my name is a first-world problem. I realize that. But it is a thing. I'm learning to acknowledge my "things." I'm learning to feel those feelings, name what's missing or hurting, and process what thoughts can do to my body. Is this shame I am feeling? Regret? Did I even do anything wrong? Who is to blame - or is blame even required? Another ebb and flow in the circle of life, the jagged bonds of connectedness that barely keep us together - sometimes by one single strand of a lineage. I reached out to my writing group to see if any adopted writers had a perspective about the meaning of a name. Ann C. Averill wrote a beautiful piece about her experience with her name, and I am happy to feature it as a guest post on 10/12/21. Thank you, Ann, for your bravery and vulnerability to share with my readers. ❤️
0 Comments
I was pretty sure an acorn grew into a tree. I haven't been in first grade for a while, but I thought I remembered an acorn grew into an oak tree. I decided I better look it up before I wrote an entire post about it, and alas... an acorn does grow into an oak tree. Wikipedia expounded upon acorns being used in art, cuisine, customs, and as food for various birds and mammals. When I took the picture of the acorn in my husband's hand this morning, I wasn't thinking about anything but stored potential. Stored potential. I remembered squirrels collect and store acorns for the winter. And they eat the acorns. And those eaten acorns never reach their calling of becoming a beautiful oak tree.
There are all kinds of books and stories and even a finance app regarding the acorn as a tool for storage, delayed potential, growth. And yet... Here we are, scrolling on our phones or our laptops or our tablets (thank you, dear readers, and I do mean that)... Did we write that book we wanted to write? Did we take that ballroom dance class we wanted to take? Did we belt it at karaoke night like we'd been rehearsing with our brush mic in front of our bathroom mirror? (Okay, Susie did but that was the bottomless margaritas singing, not her true heart's desire to sing on a stage in front of strangers and have someone's heart beat a little faster and someone's eyes water at the sheer sound of her voice... wait, maybe that's just me)? Did we finally tell our friend we were sorry when we did that thing that's rolled around in the back of our minds for 20 years? Did we hold our child close to our chest and tell them everything is going to be okay even though we know it might not be okay and we don't want to be the reason they're in therapy later but we don't want to pretend everything is okay, oh my goodness, what is the right answer? Did we apply for the promotion we know we deserve or let another opportunity pass us by? Did we sign up for the race we know we aren't ready for but really, really want to try? Did we tell the person that hurt us repeatedly that they did hurt us and going forward, did we define what we need from them? Did we look in the mirror this morning and like every single inch of our bodies and every single fiber of our heart and soul because God designed us as a masterpiece, beautifully and wonderfully made, despite society's measuring sticks? Or, did we remain on the leaf-covered ground like the acorn... waiting for a squirrel or bird or toddler to scoop us up? Were we stored away for another day? Were we consumed before we ever began our destiny? An oak tree is a beautiful destiny. She is strong, tall, sturdy, and beautiful, with colors that change with the seasons. She provides shelter, shade, and structure. She never leaves us and she stays the same for the most part. You know what else is beautiful? A mother who tells her children she has been hurt too, and that it really is all going to be okay. That she KNOWS it's going to be okay, because she is okay and she will help them be okay as long as she is on this earth. A wife who tells her partner what she needs from them even if she doesn't know if they can give her what she needs. A friend who tells the truth when asked if she's okay. And a friend who recognizes her own flaws and asks for patience and understanding. A daughter who can look at her elderly parents and recognize every line on their face and hands for all its good and bad and steadfastness. She can see herself acquiring those same lines and she knows the toll each one has taken. She knows that her own children will see her lines one day, and she hopes they give her the same recognition. I'm typing this on the porch of a cabin on a lake in north Georgia and the acorns are literally spilling from the treetops hitting the ground HARD and abruptly and with force and determination. Each one comes down on this cabin rooftop or leaf-scattered ground with a POUND or a BOOM or a SNAP. And my heart is full. For I know the destiny of each tiny acorn. She is yearning to become a beautiful oak. She is waiting for her moment to rise. Now it is your turn. What path will you choose? Will you make the hard decisions, let your voice be heard, show up for those who love and need you? Or will you stay on the ground... waiting... watching... allowing life to happen all around you? I dare you to stand. I will stand with you. Who knew a pen and paper ✍️ could save a life? I wasn’t actively suicidal. But I was having frequent daydreams of having a wreck that was “bad enough” to keep me in the hospital a few days, off work at least a month, and unable to help anyone else for a while. 😳 I wanted it to be a single-car accident and of course I wanted to be alone. I wasn’t looking forward to the injuries and was praying nothing would require surgery, but I couldn’t wait to have a respite from work, life, and motherhood. Does that sound crazy? Selfish? Or similar to thoughts you’ve had? Caregiver fatigue 😴 is a real thing, even if you’re paid to care for others. Motherhood fatigue 😴and lemme just say it, full-time step-motherhood 🤷🏼♀️ fatigue is a real thing even if you love your children 🚶♂️👬🏼 dearly. Today’s world 🌎 for women is exhausting:
Toss in a pandemic 😷 and virtual school 📚and BAM, all the therapists are booked! Fortunately, my mental "breakdown" was pre-pandemic. Thank the heavens I already had a therapist when my regular job got flipped upside down in March of 2020. My crazy started when I was in the throes of motherhood, working full-time and commuting with kids age 2, 4, and 12. I was crying regularly on my way home from work, wondering how I was going to get everything done and actually sleep too...😴 I’ve always had pen and paper near me, but I didn’t start regularly journaling ✍️ until I started feeling that OVERWHELM on a regular basis. I had so many thoughts racing through my head and I didn’t have a system to capture them. I was using a planner, but I might think of something while driving or in the shower and I would lose the idea 💡 or thought before I captured it. Some internet scrolling led me to David Allen’s Getting Things Done method. By this point I had played around with bullet journaling and list making (List Maker 4 Life right here now!), but again, I felt like my thoughts were fleeting and scattered. I will link the GTD method below, and I do think it's a good system, but that's not the point of this post. Once I started decluttering my mind from all the racing thoughts, then I had to face my actual thoughts. This was not a good look. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed with abandon or woken up with a passion for life. I felt like I was on a treadmill with no way off. Someone was going to have to pull me off, and I didn't have the time or energy to ask anyone to pull me off. I never felt relaxed. I was in a constant state of fight or flight (or so it seemed). I was alive. But was I living? Enter the JOURNAL. ✍️ A journal can be so many things:
Happy + Happy = Happy I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the speaker said he thinks we are all happier when we make others happier. Agreed. Then he said we are all happier when we are around other happy people. Also agreed. I went along my merry way and was strolling through the aisles of Home Goods, aimlessly looking at mugs and throw pillows, and those 2 thoughts kept resonating with me. Making others happier and being around other happy people makes US happy. What does it mean to make others happy? I know for a fact I've made some people happy in my lifetime. And yes, that made me happy. But did I even know what I was doing? Was me being happy by making them happy even my agenda? Do people even think about that? Can a person be happy as "an island?" What about people who choose to remain single or just haven't found a life partner? Those who live in solitude? Are they doomed to a life of unhappiness? What about solopreneurs and those whose jobs involve them working alone? Does that mean they are unhappy? I used to have a sign that says "happiness is a decision made ahead of time." I had another one that said "some people pursue happiness while others create it." While I do think that "our input determines our output" and "we are what we eat" (both in terms of food and the digital content we consume), I just don't think it's that simple anymore. You see, I can wake up, set my intention for the day, stay as happy as I "want" to be and in the course of one single day I can have the following conversations:
And those are just work examples. What about life examples?
So, how do I continue to make others happy in the above situations? How do I maintain my positive outlook? Aren't there times when happy ISN'T the right answer or attitude and staying positive just feels WRONG? In some situations, making others happy devalues their pain and suffering which honestly makes them feel even more isolated and unhappy. I realize not everyone has a job in the healing field, the medical field, or with the public. But we are all HUMAN. Almost all of us have friends, coworkers, neighbors, church members, family members, SOMEONE at some point in each day that is going to confide in us and lean on us. Do we lean in and choose to be a present fencepost or lighthouse for those that need us or do we back off all in the name of HAPPINESS and choosing joy? Can we even enjoy the good things without seeing the bad? I don't think we can.
I am REALLY starting to pay attention to my body when I meet new people. I don't always count them out if my first impression is less than stellar, but I do remember it. I take note so that I'm not surprised down the road.
And here's another disclaimer to Mr. Podcast's 2nd claim. Sally may make me feel good but I can't ever see her because our schedules are opposite and she's not good at reaching out. She struggles with depression and anxiety, so I have to let her reach out when she has the emotional space to do so. Bobby may make me feel like crap, but he's my brother and I love him, so then what? Susie might put me on edge every day, but she's my boss and I spend several hours a week with her. So yeah, Mr. Podcast, I like your ideas and they sound great, but then there's life. And after living and working and being in a few families now, I know that we can't always choose who we are around. And maybe that's why I stopped putting my 2 happiness signs out. I realized that I can keep a positive mindset and try to limit the time I spend with people who either make me feel bad or suck the life out of me, BUT... I also realized it takes the bad to see the good. It takes the ugly to see the beautiful. It takes all those things my patients tell me every day- that are really happening to people I care about- to make me slow down, sip my coffee, exhale at that stoplight, glance at my kiddos in the rearview, pump up the volume, and sing at the top of my lungs with my sunroof open. It takes being knocked down, run over, and slowly picking yourself up to smile at the exploring, coy toddler vying for your attention at your son's ball game. It takes losing something you love to look at a tree that's been standing outside your window for years and silently thank it for never leaving you. It takes holding someone you love while they shake in fear or agony to appreciate each and every piece of laundry you fold for the 400th time. The mundane is where the magic is... the daily can be the delight. Today, I choose to live... pretty, ugly, hard, easy, funny, scary, joyful, and unthinkable. Happiness will work itself out. She will make her appearance. And I will nod in recognition each time she does. To read some of my friends' thoughts on happiness, please click below and support their work. We all belong to a writer's group and I have learned and grown from each of these special women's work and words.
Chasing Happiness By Sharla Hallett www.sharlahallett.com/chasing-happiness/ Finding True Happiness and Keeping It By Lisa Granger https://lisamarcelina.net/finding-true-happiness-and-keeping-it/ Mom Burnout and How to Be Happy By Ashley Olivine https://www.ashleyolivine.com/mom-burnout/ 3 Days By MelAnn https://graceandrapture.substack.com/p/3-days Seeing Happiness Right in Your Life By Dianne Vielhuber https://simplewordsoffaith.com/2021/10/01/seeing-happiness-right-in-your-life/ The Summer of Happiness Recap of Summer 2021 By Jessica Haberman https://storytellerfarm.com/the-summer-of-happiness-recap-of-summer-2021/ I grew up in a family that plays games. My father's family played Rook and Dominos. My mother's mother and her husband loved to play Uno and Skip-Bo with me. My childhood friend and I could then and now beat anybody anywhere in Spades (name the date and time, we will be there). In my first marriage, we hosted game nights pretty regularly since we did not have children and we actually had some free time on weekends. Since moving to Georgia, I have hosted several Girls Nights involving games and a ton of laughter. I can quote some of the crazy things my friends have said from those nights, and I will never regret playing a game with people I love. Playing games makes us feel connected, engaged, and let's face it - COMPETITIVE. In 2021, our kids don't know a ton about winning and losing. Participation trophies are the norm and handling a loss is not a daily challenge. I even work in a county where a ZERO cannot be given by a teacher even if the child doesn't write a single stroke of pencil on the page. A SIXTY is the lowest grade that can be given. WHAT are we teaching our next generation? I am the first to admit that not only am I competitive, but I can get carried away. This has improved with each life decade, and I'm now teaching my kids how to win and lose. We love to play the board game Aggravation and now that they are old enough, we have introduced Taboo, The Five Second Rule, Charades, Mafia, Pictionary, Scrabble, Monopoly, and many more. Along the way, I have created games that we can play at the table during family meals OR on a roadtrip. I have no idea if I am the only one on the planet who created these, so I am not calling copyright and you are more than welcome to use them. I think I made them up, but I am certain I did not. I encourage you to try these with your family. Make sure devices are far away and HAVE FUN!
Anyway, now that you have 5 tried-and-true "invisible" (no prop) games you can play with your family or friends while on a roadtrip or sharing a meal, I encourage you to try it!
Start today! Let me know which ones you loved or hated and leave a comment with any "invisible" games you might play with your family. As I sit outside to write, I hear birds around me, the gentle breeze in the trees, and squirrels rustling through the leaves. It is a gorgeous late summer afternoon, and I can feel the energy of fall from my toes up through my body and into my smile. Fall is my absolute favorite time of year, only one tiny degree above Christmas. I see a blue-tailed lizard shuffle along my patio and I notice a few dry leaves dancing from the treetops to the creek bed.
God didn't make me to live inside. He didn't make me to sit still or stay in one place either. I have lived in 4 states, multiple homes, and I think I'm on my third lifetime (or so it feels most days). Sometimes, when I'm quiet... when IT is quiet.. I reflect on all I have seen, witnessed, felt, loved, lost, and won. Certain flashes in time come to me, waves of emotions, smells, sounds, and FEELINGS. When I'm quiet. When my day is quiet. When I'm not moving or doing or thinking...
Reflection is a beautiful thing. It is often overlooked, but when we slow down and DO IT, we can learn and grow. Now that I'm in my forties, I sometimes look back at times in my teens and twenties and try to "hold on" to that feeling. We really can't do that, though, can we? Frequent reflection allows us to "hold on" right now. To really "feel it" right now... before it passes. Reflection gives us room to take note, consider future improvements, and relish in current joy. I'm hoping to start reflecting every quarter here. A public diary entry of sorts. A record of the good and the bad. A glimpse in time.
This is what I'm learning right now, September 2021:
I just had a funny thought as I sipped my coffee. I wish I had read this article 19 years ago in my first few weeks of NP school. I wonder if I would have kept going to class? Probably... knowing me. I'm always trying to prove somebody wrong. Alright, alright, I'm about to let you all in on a BIG secret! Those who love me, and especially those who live with me know all of these truths, but I bet many of you are about to lose all your enamor for your health care provider. I am going to tell you about the daily life of a family nurse practitioner working in primary care. In essence, my day can be broken down into a few "sessions" or time periods.
Let me laugh with another sip of coffee real quick before I proceed.
Going back to my original "dreams" of working as an NP, did any of it come true?
Check out these posts from my fellow Hope*Writers for our monthly writing challenge. This month's theme was "daily": Oh, I Try by Jessica Weaver www.rootedunrooted.com/blog/oh-i-try Kids Sleep Meditation: 6 Daily Practice Dos and Don’ts by Ashley Olivine louvaria.com/kids-sleep-meditation/ Lessons from Daily Bread by Dianne Vielhuber simplewordsoffaith.com/2021/09/01/lessons-from-daily-bread/ Daily Conversations with God by Sharla Hallett www.sharlahallett.com/daily-conversations-with-god/ Finding friends as an adult can be difficult. Once we live through certain life events, we can become jaded and mistrusting of others. In today's world of social media and spending so many hours online for work or entertainment, new friend opportunities seem to be few and far between. Ways to find a new friend as an adult in 2021:
Let's talk about the pros and cons of each avenue for creating a new friendship:
I value honesty, deep conversations, and potential for growth now more than ever when I approach a new friendship. Time is precious, and I encourage you to spend it with those who add value to your life. Throughout my career, I have had to deliver hard news to my patients. I have had to deliver even worse news to their families. It is the LEAST favorite part of my job, but I have found some comfort knowing I am delivering the news with compassion and empathy. I usually know the patient and family very well, and I think that means a lot. These suggestions may be helpful when faced with a difficult diagnosis.
Let's look at each suggestion in detail:
I am in a unique position in that I have both delivered and received hard news. At the age of 40, when my youngest son was 4, I was told I probably have lymphoma AND multiple sclerosis over the phone by a nurse. I was told to get an appointment with an oncologist and a neurologist as soon as possible. Many blood tests, imaging tests, and biopsies later, I was finally told that "you don't have cancer! And I don't think you have MS but I'm not sure. What you do have is a lifelong incurable autoimmune disease that can attack any organ and can be difficult to treat. And by the way, nobody has really heard of it and even us doctors have to google it when we see it on a chart."
So maybe those weren't his exact words, but it was close. And there will be a lot more to that story to come in my posts. I wish someone had used tip #3 with me when delivering my news.
My husband and I have been on opposite shifts for 5 years. Has it been fun or easy? No and no. Has a tiny part of me enjoyed hogging the remote or eating popcorn for dinner on the rare evening when kids are gone? Yes for sure! It does take effort to stay connected when you may go 48 hours without seeing each other, and I have learned a few tricks that have worked for us. 8 tips to stay connected despite working opposite shifts:
Here are 10 easy ways to support someone with a chronic illness:
I have been living with a chronic illness for 5 years now. My family and friends have been a huge source of support. Even as they've tried to love me, I've witnessed their looks of "what can I do?" or "what should I say?". Most chronic illnesses are unique and involve multiple appointments with various specialists, countless medications, and years of simply managing one's health. These concrete examples can really help your loved one and make them feel important.
What do we say when we don't know what to say? We have all been there. Someone dies unexpectedly. Someone receives a terrible diagnosis. A divorce comes out of nowhere. A tragic accident. Our partner says something cruel or doesn't meet our emotional needs. A friend is struggling with infertility or has a miscarriage. Our friend is venting about a difficult situation. Here are some tips for what to say and what not to say: Do / say this:
Don't do / say this:
CHECK OUT THE BOOK "I HEAR YOU" BY MICHAEL SORENSON FOR AN IN-DEPTH DISCUSSION ON ACTIVE AND EFFECTIVE LISTENING. WORTH THE READ!
She had legs as long as her cars (she always drove a Lincoln or a Ford). She loved cigarettes and an evening toddy. She never went to college, but she was sharp as a tack. She was good with money, and she wanted me to be able to take care of myself. She loved to dance, and she loved to have fun.
Every summer she would take me to an expensive swimsuit store in Gulf Shores and let me pick out whatever swimsuit I wanted, sometimes two. On her back porch, we sat together and shucked corn, shelled peas, and snapped beans. She loved my brother and me so much that she put an in-ground pool in her backyard and kept it crystal clean. She could call me out on my smart mouth or eye rolls in a hot second, and I will admit, I did not want to cross her. She and her third husband drove to see us in their RV which was the absolute coolest thing my friends and I had ever seen. No one in small-town Kentucky had an RV. One summer she flew a friend and me down to see her and we were able to fly without an adult. We thought we were movie stars! I was only thirteen when she was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 3 months later. When I went to “say goodbye” before she died, she told me to only cry 2 tears for her. She told me she had known love and loss and had a fulfilling career and raised her babies and got to meet her grandbabies. She told me she had traveled and had fun and danced weekly at the local spot. She had run a business and built a home (like literally picked out the plans which not all people get to do in their lifetime) and that she was okay to go. I had not known anything she had known at that time. No romantic love or loss (she was the first person I really lost as a child and boy was it a whammy!). No career or babies or grandbabies. No travel or weekly dance dates with my husband or businesses run or houses built. I sit here today, and I’ve done almost all of those things now. Because of her, I’ve even saved a dollar or two. Because of her, I laugh more, sing more, dance more, and love more. I forgive easier and dream more. Maya Angelou is famous for saying we don’t forget how people make us feel. Martha Louise Merrigan Taylor Rouse Taylor (yes, you read that right, she married 2 different Taylors of no relation) made me feel like I was special and important. When I was with her, I felt loved and cherished. Not perfect, she never let me think that, but close.
|